Bob's Bar and Grill

Poop

2011-06-15T15:49:00.000-07:00

Poop is a funny word. Poop.

What was that?

2010-08-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

Holy shit. Have you ever tried to get a thought out of you head, but someone just kept interrupting you?

Just shut the fuck up please! Yes. I know. I’m drunk. And I have to work tomorrow. I know. I’m an adult. Not the first time I’ve been drunk either. Maybe you should get to know me. Please just let me get this thought out of my head and down on paper before I forget what the fuck was so important I went to the trouble of trying so desperately to write it down.

Too late. I forgot. Thanks.

Hello

2010-08-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

So…how ya been?
Yeah I know I haven’t called, but I’ve been kinda busy.
Ok. Nuff chit chat bitches.
In order. I split up with the Wife, my computer crashed, I moved out, and then my dog ate my homework. That’s why I hadn’t written.
So I got a new computer the other day and the first thing I thought was…porn. Then you guys a couple weeks later...when I started chafing.
I still love ya though.

More later.

Only 96 More Days Until Football Season

2010-05-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

Open letter to the Lord Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth.

2010-05-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Sir…or Ma’am,

What the fuck?

I don’t know what I did to you for you to have this all consuming desire to fuck up my life, but I gotta tell you Lord, I’m not to fuckin’ thrilled with it. I mean really, you don’t have anything better to do. Isn’t there a group of devote Catholics somewhere praying over bingo cards that you could be attending to? Noooo. For some reason you’ve decided my life needs a little fuckin rearranging. Thanks, but no thanks.

So is this a test or something Lord? Should I be fasting and praying? Should I be heading for the desert to do a little soul searching? Cause I gotta tell you Lord, I’ve been to the fucking desert and there’s no soul searching going on there. Just a whole lotta fuckin’ kids dying. Yeah. And I’m pretty sure you’re the cause of most of it. How ‘bout you just fucking appear and let us know who to listen to? Jesus? Mohammed? Steven Spielberg? I really don’t give a shit, but it would put a lot of old arguments to rest.

So Lord, I’m sure I had some point to all this, but I’m about 8 beers in and I’ve totally lost my train of thought. I think I covered the main topics. Let’s see…you suck and you’re fucking up my life. Yep, that’s it.

So if you could stop doing that, I’m thinkin’ everything will be Jim Dandy. Oh and as long as I have you, thanks for the Steelers last Super Bowl. And if you could do me a favor and smite the Bengals starting offense with herpes or plague or something, I would appreciate it.

Thanks.

Bob

Cher...

2010-05-07T18:16:00.000-07:00

Quit Smoking!!! It is bad for you!!!

(is it still as awesome as I remember?)

Headlines

2010-05-07T15:33:00.001-07:00

- Congratulations faithful followers, disciples, plebes and the multitudes of otherwise nameless rabble I call my readership…I’m sure I had it here somewhere, but alas, in the time it took me to figure out if I was spelling plebes correctly I have totally lost any last remnant of a fucking point. Thanks for nothing.

- So on with the headlines.

- I am in a good mood.

- I’m also currently, fairly well drunk.

- I have also decided, I don’t really understand any of the rules for proper comma usage.

- As many of you in the know do in fact know, I was away for the last seven or so weeks getting re-edumacated at the Senior Non-commissioned Fucktard Academy in the state of cutting edge of technical achievement and all things holy in the land of higher learning, Alabama. It was friggin’ wonderful.

- Actually I did have a good time. I made 14 new friends and damn near melted away that pesky liver o’mine.

- Speaking of liver damage, I’ve developed a better relationship with single malt scotch…yummy. Blends…not so much. If any of y’all highfalutin types can point me in the direction of some new brands, I’d be appreciative.

- Did you know highfalutin is a real word? It must be cause it doesn’t have a squiggly red line under it.

- Wouldn’t it be nice if “wrong” people came with squiggly red lines under them? It’d be easier to pick ’em out.

- And now for something completely different…

- I finished a wicked good Zombie book the other day…World War Z by Max Brooks. Read it or you suck.

- Squirrel!!!

- *

- Sorry, I got distracted.

- Well peeps, I’m at the bottom of the page and I have two empty glasses beside me. So I’m going to post this and refill.

- Peace…love ya.

Say Anything

2010-05-05T19:31:00.000-07:00

Well, hello there.

Yeah I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything of substance. What can I tell you? It’s just a hell of a lot easier to steal other people’s shit.

I gotta say, I’m in a strange place.

I have nothing to say. Really. I’d like to say something…fuck I’d like to say anything, but I just don’t have anything to say.

Maybe I’m all talked out. Maybe I’ve said it all. Maybe I’m just fucking tired and I don’t care anymore.

Yeah. I’m tired. I’m going to bed.

Divine Intervention

2010-05-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

Segments of my life
Morbid pieces of reality
Twisted personality
Many faces, yet faceless
Familiar things give way to strange
No mercy
No reason
Just pain

Sunshine

2010-05-02T13:29:00.000-07:00

- You will bring sunshine into someone's life.

Ahh…Duh?!?

2010-02-18T15:09:00.001-08:00

I don’t normally bash the Air Force on this blog…I guess I was just saving everything up for after I retire, but I really need to get this down in print because it is utterly dumbfounding.

The following words actually came out of my commander’s mouth at a meeting today:

“blah, blah, blah…It has also come to my attention that some people are turning to alcohol to cope with stress…blah, blah, blah.”

Really? You’re fucking kidding me.

How out of touch with your people do you have to be to not know that any earlier? Well I hate to be the one to break this to you Sir, but this job fucking blows. I can’t believe you don’t know that. I get drunk damn near every day just so I don’t go a bloody fucking murderous rampage. My six bosses give me eighteen hours worth of work to do every fucking day. Then I’m expected to hand hold and babysit 111 fucking adults that work for you. Well excuse the fuck out of me if I want to tie one on after my daily ass rape.

The military culture of “I’m going to tell the boss whatever he wants to hear” only goes so far. You’re the fucking boss. Pull your fucking head out.

Awesome

2010-01-18T15:15:00.000-08:00

Friends, this is my new favorite site.

I'm Bored

2010-01-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

Ok…I’m sorry to keep bothering you like this on a Sunday, but I’m fucking bored.

The Wife and Pink went to visit family for the day and I would have gone along but I’m on alert/telephone stand-by (as in stand-by for the anal rapin’) to go save some ass backwards country whose people fucking hate us any other day of the year except for those days where we just happen to be saving their worthless fucking lives. And in case you’re wondering, yes I do count New Orleans in this category.

Where was I?

Oh yeah…bored.

So here I am, alone all day in an empty house. I don’t do alone very well anymore…I never know what to do with myself. I’m like a little kid that way sometimes. I really do need constant supervision.

I did end up going to the gym after all. Yes, after all my pissing and moaning, I went anyway. I did a half assed shoulder workout cause there was no way I could pull off today’s crossfit…”Fight Gone Bad.” It was more a matter of logistics than laziness though. Some jackass decided it was a good idea to cover every square inch of the gym in town with mirrors so there is no where to throw a wall-ball and the gym on base is full of fuckin’ Haitians. (if that sentence didn’t make any sense to you, I suggest you google “Fight Gone Bad” and “fuckin’ Haitians”…I just don’t have the will power to explain every little thing to you people.)

On a totally different subject…how long are hard boiled eggs good for in the fridge?

Anyone?

Lazy Sunday

2010-01-17T09:42:00.000-08:00

I really don’t feel like doing anything today.

I got about halfway through my workout warm-up, but I’m just not feeling it. It was supposed to be in the mid forties today, so I had my heart set on getting some winter mountain biking in, but this pleasant Sunday is currently raining it’s ass off….so now I don’t want to do shit.

It really doesn’t help that my thighs are fucking killing me from yesterday’s workout. Take a look a couple posts back for a full description of the suck. I ended up doing 17 minutes and I only shorted a couple pull-up sets because the shitty gym I go to on the weekend only has one pull-up station so I had to wait on jackasses…at least that’s the excuse I’m currently going with. That has nothing to do with my sore legs though, but the forty seven thousand (estimate) squats I completed certainly do.

My half finished garage still needs plenty of work. It’s in exactly the same shape it was in when I last worked on the drywall...before I went to Afghanistan…in August. I told the old lady I was going to start again today, but like I said…I’m not feelin’ it.

Maybe I need some lunch…

Nope. Still lazy.

High on Fire

2010-01-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

Check out the Awesomeness…

Crossfit

2010-01-15T17:36:00.000-08:00

Here’s tomorrow’s Crossfit workout:

“With a continuously running clock, squat for 60 seconds. Subtract the number of squats completed from 60, and do that many pull-ups in minute two. In minute three, squat again, subtracting the number completed from 60. Do that number of push-ups in minute four. Minute five is squatting again, and minute six pull-ups.

The pattern is squats, pull-ups, squats, push-ups, squats, pull-ups, etc. The goal is to stay within the workout's formula for as long as possible.

Don't do more than 60 squats in any round.

In any case, stay moving for 12 minutes.”

Now I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure this is going to suck ass. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I actually need to burn off some stress…I’ve had a fairly shitty day. One of the kids I babysit and by “kids I babysit” I mean grown men I supervise, popped positive for weed. And that somehow translates to an assload more work for me.

When will people learn that doing drugs is just wrong? I learned a long time ago that there is no amount of alcohol that you can drink that makes it illegal.

Fucktards.

Fran

2010-01-10T13:13:00.000-08:00

I know I just said I wasn’t going to blogger about my crossfit workouts, but as any of you that have been reading for any amount of time know…I’m a goddamn liar most of the time.

Yesterday’s workout was “Fran” and since I’m usually a day late and a dollar short, I did her this morning. For the record, “Fran” is:

Three rounds, 21-15- and 9 reps, for time of:
95 pound Thruster
Pull-ups

Just so you know, I fucking hate thrusters…FUCKING HATE.

I hate thrusters more than communism.

I hate thrusters more than the wife’s secret credit cards.

I hate thrusters more than crazy Muslims.

I hate thrusters more than the New England Patriots.

I hate thrusters more than white guys with dreadlocks.

I hate thrusters more than Colin Farrell movies.

I hate thrusters more than dependence on foreign oil.

I hate thrusters more than people who wear flat brim fitted hats.

I hate thrusters more than Mafia Wars.

I hate thrusters more than Cheetos Commercials.

I hate thrusters more than goddamn hippies.

Ahhh…I take that one back. Nothing’s worse than goddamn hippies.

Wanna feel like a fat piece of shit? Watch Heather here beat Fran under three minutes.

Headlines

2010-01-09T14:51:00.000-08:00

- I know I haven’t written in a while…fuck off, I’m busy.

- I’m sorry, that was mean…but it was kind of rude of you to give me so much shit just because I want to spend a little time with my family. Geez. Not to mention I did just get home from fucking Afghanistan and here you are busting my balls about updating my blog so you have something to read at work when you should be working.

- I do feel a little bad for cheating…on account of I have been balls deep in Facebook, but couldn’t find the time to blogger anything. Maybe you guys should just friend request me.

- “Balls deep” is my new saying. I use it at least 14 times a day…usually at the most inappropriate moment.

- Did I tell you guys I had to switch jobs again? Yeah, the powers that be decided my career would be benefited more if I became a Section Chief. So they put me back in the fucking office. Little do they know, I couldn’t give two shits about my career and I’m just trying to last these last two years until I retire without slitting someone’s throat.

- I know I said I was going to blog about my crossfit workouts, but after I wrote that it just sounded like way too much work. You’ll just have to trust me that it is going well. I’m seriously thinking about putting a crossfit gym in my garage. I just need to find a home for all the shit that is currently taking up that space.

- If you are friends with me on Facebook, you know that I am totally obsessed with Bejeweled Blitz…you might even say I’m balls deep in it.

- I went to see Clutch on New Years Eve. It was fucking awesome…as if there was ever any doubt.

- I got Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 and Left 4 Dead 2 of Christmas not to mention a totally kickass Blu-ray player.

- I am currently reading The Sagittarius Command by R. M. Meluch…who just happens to be my cousin Becky. It’s a great story…the third in a series, but whenever I read her stuff it reminds me that she is a published author and I’m a piece of shit.

- Writing that bit about Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 reminded me that I could be doing that instead of this…so bye.

Hey Man...

2009-12-06T03:35:00.000-08:00

Hey Man...I can't wait to get out of the military.

Can’t Sleep

2009-12-03T01:07:00.000-08:00

What’s up peoples? I can’t sleep…

It’s about 0400 and I’ve been up since about…oh…two thirtyish. I got home day before yesterday, late at night and I guess I’m still adjusting. I fell asleep on the couch about eight thirty last night…after an outstanding steak dinner at The Library. So with a gut full of meat and a couple Sam Adams Winter Ales in me, I passed out while the family watched Glee. I saw the first two minutes…wasn’t impressed, even though they have been talking about it since the series started, then fell right to sleep.

Soooo…since I’m used to getting roughly four hours of sleep a night in Afghanistan, the six hours I got tonight was just fulfillingly dreamy. That’s why I can’t sleep.

…that and it seems like I have a million things to do and no time in which to do it.

Well…I have some laundry to fold.

Later.

Crossfit

2009-11-27T16:21:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, I lost some weight before I left for Afghanistan. All told, it's just shy of 50 pounds since this time last year.

See, around last Christmas I was feeling like shit all the time, I'd get winded climbing the stairs and it hurt to bend over and tie my boots. Now you would think that these would all be fairly accurate warning signs of my complete out of shapeness, but it wasn't until I had a physical at the end of December and the doc told me my cholesterol was through the roof and I'd have to take a pill for the rest of my life if I didn't do something, that I did something.

So I quit smoking…again…but for some reason (and it might have been the thought of taking that fucking pill for the next 40 years) it actually took this time. Except for a couple cigars at the strip club and a half a pack a Marlboro lights I split with the Wife at the Mudvayne concert, I’ve been smoke free for almost a year. Definitely the longest streak ever.

Besides quitting smoking, I started eating right. (I’m just going to leave it at that because the concept of eating “right” differs wildly depending on who you are talking to. For me at the time it was lots of veggies and fruit, medium protein and good fats and almost no carbohydrates and bad fats. I’ve since switched to a Paleo diet.)

About the same time I also joined a gym…yeah I could have went to the gym on base for free, but I hate those people…and by “those”, I mean Air Force people. (more on this rant later). I also got a cool new road bike to ride back and forth to the gym and when I wasn’t at the gym, I’d run around the neighborhood.

…and the pounds just melted away.

So by the time I left for Afghanistan, I was in pretty good shape. I kept not smoking after I got there, which was a first for any deployment. Usually the first thing I did upon entering the AOR was find a smoke…whether I was currently quitted or not. I was running everyday, which if you know anything about the dust/smoke/elevation of Kandahar is an accomplishment in and of itself. And I was lifting at the shitty excuse for a gym.

…and then I got fucking bored.

See, I’ve been doing the same workout on and off for about 20 years. The standard, split up the body groups workout. Chest/tri day, then back/bi day, then shoulders, then legs. Maybe do an ab day or an everything day just to break up the monotony, but it was all pretty much the same and I was pretty tired of it.

Then a guy I was deployed with told me about this workout called the “Filthy Fifty” from Crossfit. He kept going on and on about how it was the worst workout he’d ever done and how he had to puke before it was over. I don’t know if you’ve ever been deployed before, but boredom will do strange things to a man, including making him research a workout that induces vomiting. So I started reading about Crossfit and their deal. Basically, VERY basically, they post a different workout every day on their website and you do it. That’s it.

Now, I’m not going to go into the whole Crossfit workout concept, but I will tell you I am hooked. It’s like a goddamn horrible, muscle bruising, callus tearing drug. I look forward to seeing the new workout every day, but then when I do, I’m like “Oh man, that is going to suck ass.” Some of the workouts are named after women (no idea why), but my favorite is “Angie” which is 100 pull ups, 100 push ups, 100 sit ups, and 100 squats…for time. As in, do them as fast as you can. The other day the workout was 400 meter walking lunges. That’s a quarter mile folks…it took me 344 lunges to finish and by the end my legs felt like week old tapioca.

Anyway, I plan on adding a daily post here with the workout of the day (WOD) and my thoughts on how much it sucked ass. If you are interested, check them out at www.crossfit.com.

OMG…they just posted today’s workout and it really does suck ass.

Out of Afghanistan

2009-11-25T22:11:00.000-08:00

Well folks...I'm on my way home.

I'm currently stuck in fucking Al Udeid which is pure paradise in comparison, but still... Looks like I won't be home until early next week, not because there aren't any flights but more like the Air Force is stuck so far up its own ass it could find me the flight with both hands and a fucking compass.

Anyway...since I have nothing but time to kill and this so called "war zone" has wifi (oh and a spa) you'll probably get a few posts while I'm here.

Aren't you lucky...

(I tried to run a spell check on this post, but apparently I'm hooked into Haji Blogger and it's not recognizing any english words, so spelling will be hit or miss.)

Sorry...

2009-11-06T10:48:00.000-08:00

Yea, I'm sorry I've been slacking on the posts recently. Actually I can't even remember the last time I posted...

...let me check the old ones...back in a minute.

...hmmm. Looks like it's been well over a month. Like I said, sorry.

...hey I said I was sorry. Get off my back; you're not my mother...

...unless, of course, my mom happens to be reading this. In that case, Hi, Mom. Didn't you say you weren't going to read my blog anymore? That's what I thought.

Anyway...did I tell you I might be coming home early? Yep.

Yea, I know I haven't posted so you wouldn't know I might be coming home early. I already said I was sorry. Jesus...you're never happy.

No wonder I don't post anymore with you on my ass all the time. Fuck.

Bow Chicka

2009-10-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

Bow Wow.

I have no point for that...just wanted to say hey.

Hey.

Run

2009-09-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

I remember sitting at the edge of my bed trying to make sense of it all.

What happened?

I fired a roach that was in the ashtray with a couple quick hits and kicked at one of the empty Mickey’s bottles scattered on the floor.

How did my life get so fucked up?

Somewhere to the east my girlfriend was fucking her boss, my roommate’s girlfriend was wrapped in a sheet behind me, the woman I loved ignored me and I wouldn’t meet the girl that would change my life for seven more years.

I was a bad student, an unfaithful boyfriend, a horrible friend and an even worse son.
I was failing most of my classes, owed a lot of people a lot of money and had a not too hidden drug problem…too much for a nineteen year old to handle and I wasn’t even at the bottom yet. Hell, it’d still be a few weeks until I tried to kill myself.

I could run.

If I picked up my desk chair and threw it through the fucking window, I could escape. I could just run…out the window and through the dark to the cemetery across the street. Run. Then I’d be gone. No school. No family. No headaches. No problems. Just keep running.
Every day after, I looked at that chair and I looked at that window and thought, “Go…run. Just get the fuck out of here.”

That was long time ago…a half a lifetime away. I don’t know why but I never did put that chair through that window. I had every reason to do it, but I didn’t…and looking back I’m glad.

Care Package

2009-09-07T19:29:00.000-07:00

A buddy of mine here was talking to his old lady on the phone and she goes, "Hey, I think somebody hacked our credit card number online cause I noticed somebody charged $65 to some porn website."

What she didn't know is that he ordered a 5 lb bag of pistachios online to have delivered here...

...from www.nutsonline.com

Still Alive

2009-09-06T12:24:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would drop a line to let everyone know I'm still alive. Sorry I haven't written more but as you can imagine, I'm pretty busy. I'm working night shift now...12 hours minimum...sleep all day. So my time is filled with work, sleep, working out and emailing my favorite women.

It's amazing how technology has changed wartime communications even since the first gulf war. I remember back on my first deployment, waiting around for a whole week just to be able to get out a quick 20 minute phone call. Now the wife and I not only email twice a day, but we usually have a running chat going on gmail.

Anyway....

I promised some pictures, didn't I:

Yea...I know...thrilling.

Tattoo

2009-08-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I feel the need to get another tattoo. Don't know why, but it could be a need to mark this time and place.

...course I'll have to wait until I get back...

...and then I'll probably forget about it.

I'm really going to have to put some thought into this. It's been over three years since my last one and a hell of a lot has changed in my life since then.

...like a lot.

Hmmmmm...this is going to take some thought.

Any suggestions?

Notes from the Front

2009-08-24T04:32:00.000-07:00

1. Little known fact, Afghanistan is actually only 42.7 miles from the sun.

2. If you can shit in an Afghan porta-potty, you can shit anywhere.

3. Just because someone sounds like Apu and calls you "my friend" that doesn't mean he is.

4. Of course that joke was funny Captain. I wasn't laughing cause...cause...I was thinking about all the suffering in the world. It's sad, really.

5. Official Sayings for the week: "Why you crying? You're tough." and "Don't make me pop a trunk."

6. If I had a vat of hand sanitizer, I would jump in it over my head and probably still not feel clean.

7. For some reason I can't post comments. I can read them. I just can't post my own. I guess I'll have to write a post later on that is just answers to comments.

8. No, I'm not going to discuss missions, operations, attacks, counter-intelligence, defense, offense or special teams. Don't bother asking. In fact, you guys will never hear about any of the really cool shit unless you come find me in person some day and buy me a beer.

9. I've been working on this post for three days.

10. We found the clippers and yes Virginia, I shaved my head. It's not like I have a date later.

11. We started a deployment mustache contest. I'm winning. Yeah me.

12. There is a better than average chance that I won't see one single Steelers game this year.

13. I found a coffee pot that other day, so now I can have coffee whenever I want. Apparently you didn't hear me. I CAN HAVE COFFEE WHENEVER I WANT. If you don't understand how great that is, your life is too easy.

Headlines

2009-08-23T02:13:00.000-07:00

1. Afghanistan sucks.

2. I was going to get a haircut today, but somehow my team managed to lose the clippers. How you lose a set of clippers out of the truck in the middle of fucking Afghanistan, I have no idea.

3. I'd like to post more pictures, but I can't hook my phone/camera up to this computer and I can't hook my computer up to this network and I can't get wireless until I move out of tent city and that won't be for three more weeks. So quit bitching.

4. When you don't get 1000 calories a day from beer, you're hungry all the time.

5. If I end up being here so long that I get used to the smell from the cesspool, please kill me. When you drive down Shit Pond Road you have to roll all your windows up even if it is 105 degrees and even then you'll wish you'd driven the extra 20 minutes to go the long way around.

6. I finally got a coffee pot for the work tent and it has a fucking European plug. All things considered and it's still the worst part of my day.

7. One of my guys bought a DVD of District 9 at the bazaar yesterday. Yea, I know it just came out in theaters last week, but if we can't get illegal copies of blockbuster hits for 2 dollars then I don't know why we are even fighting this war.

8. Why you crying? You're tough.

Thanks

2009-08-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

I want to throw some thanks out to all the well wishers.

Thank you.

I'm in place and getting to know the new job and homestead. I can already tell that this place will be fodder for plenty of good stories. Believe me, there's a lot of funny fucking shit going on here and I'm also learning a ton. Examples?

The bathrooms are so fucking nasty the porta-johns are the best option. Yes...the porta-johns.

Get to the showers before they fill up. The showers get so crowded that a line ends up forming...a line of naked dudes...like lambs to the sweaty-fucking-dude slaughter.

Wear your boots to the bunker, not your flip flops. There's scorpions.

More later. I gots to go take care of some shit.

Howdy Folks

2009-08-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

Howdy Folks

I don’t really know when this one will get posted since the internet seems to go up and down and it’s also kind of a hike to get to where the wireless is located.

I also spend most of my online time chatting with the family and whooping my wife’s ass at Uno. (That’s right…you know it.)

But since I’m currently sitting in my tent waiting to go to a dumbass meeting in about 45 minutes, I figured I’d drop my faithful few an update on how shit is going.

1. It is hot. On the sunniest day this week, go sit in your car for an hour at about noon. Then start your car and drive it straight into the sun. That’s how hot it was at 0330 this morning and it just got hotter from there.

2. I’m not actually in Afghanistan yet. I’m at kind of a staging point waiting to catch a ride in.

3. Everything here smells like ass, feet and dead cats. This is my eighth tour over here since the first gulf war or what I like to call The Gulf War to end all Gulf Wars and I will never get used to that smell.

4. Did I mention it is hot?

Anyway, here is a picture of the view from my bunk and a couple from my tent. I know the bunk one is dark but I’m sharing this tent with 24 other dudes and some of them are always sleeping at any point during the day…and they all smell like ass and feet…except for me…I smell like roses in the summer dew…and ass and feet.

First Post from the Desert

2009-08-15T06:09:00.000-07:00

It's fucking hot.

Mayhem Festival

2009-08-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

(I tried to get this fucking post written all weekend but shit kept coming up.)

As some of you may know, yesterday the wife and I went to the highly anticipated Mayhem Festival down in Camden and I got to say, it was a great show. Even better than last year.

Even the timing of the bands worked out in my favor so that the ones I wanted to see were perfectly spaced out which gave us plenty of time to walk around, check the sights, and get food, beer and what not.

None of the bands I didn’t want to miss disappointed.

We almost missed the Black Dahlia Murder and in fact we did miss their first song on account of us lollygagging in the parking lot over cheap beers. But since the baby Jesus loves me, we showed up at the second stage just in time to hear them belt out my favorite tune of theirs, “A Vulgar Picture.”

I just started listening to Job for a Cowboy to prep for this concert. They put on a good show and the music was brutal as hell, but their a little too serious.

Trivium also kicked ass. I’ve seen them a few times and they always go full speed from beginning to end.

Killswitch Engage was the second band on the main stage after Bullet for my Valentine (who I couldn’t give two shits about). I’ve seen them before but always on a second stage and I gotta say when they worked up that crowd, we went fucking ape-shit. That was some of the most energetic moshing of the show. Not that they put on a better show than Slayer (who went on next) but the crowds are different. KSE fans are out to have a good time. Slayer fans want to hurt someone.
Slayer…well what can I say? They’re Slayer. I’ve seen them a bunch of times and every show is better than the last. Now this was the first time we had pit tickets for a Slayer concert and that’s an experience in and of itself. Fucking Brooootal. If you think you’re fucking tough, spend the last 2 minutes of Raining Blood in that asylum. Luckily while I was mauling teenage methheads and ex-cons, the wife found a nice safe spot to get some pictures. I got to say though, like 80% of the pictures were totally unusable. I was the DD, which meant the wife was blitzed out of her damn mind by this time and I’m actually pretty lucky she didn’t lose my phone.

Also, Marilyn Manson played. Yea, I know…who cares?

Me at the Slayer concert

2009-08-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

Rule 5 - The Wife

2009-08-07T12:36:00.001-07:00

My beautiful old lady at the Slayer concert Friday.

Gay Test...

2009-08-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

Do you see a half naked chick or a giant cock?

Fag.

God Bless Anees

2009-08-06T15:22:00.000-07:00

Who the fuck is Anees you might ask?

First of all, never you fucking mind. Secondly, Anees Akbar Assassafrassalong only happens to be the best customer support representative Norton Antivirus has on the payroll in all of god forsaken India.

I’m assuming he’s Indian of course. With a name like Anees Akbar Assomalomadingdong…I mean really? Where else could he be from? Utah?

Anyway, I was having all sorts of problems loading the antivirus program on the fancy new computer. It kept giving me some bullshit error like “Install could not be verified. Please update Windows and then go fuck yourself.” I swear to baby Jesus that was the error I got.

Well after punching the wall, dog, wife and computer screen (in that order), I finally broke down and called customer support at Symantec to beg forgiveness for my many sins against mankind. And what response, from the great beyond, did I receive?

My call was answered by none other than the (totally polite) shaman Anees Akbar Assholleeoolleeoo who commenced to unleash his deep heathen jungle magic on the heart of my computer. With what I can only assume was some unholy jungle dance and a severed chicken corpse (and no condescending attitude), Anees fixed his vulgar gaze across the horizon to my tormented hard drive.

And…Holy-moly-crapatoly…fixed. But not just fixed, but “Can I do anything else for you Mr. Bob?” fixed. Amazing.

You know, people complain about sending jobs overseas, but I’d hate to think of the experience I would have had today had I been forced to talk to some cockbiting American douchebag giving me attitude through the whole thing.

So here’s to you Anees Akbar Anagramaeieio. You might never get into heaven you uncivilized bastard, but you have special place in my heart.

Thanks.

Turns out I'm not stupid

2009-08-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

The stupid thing that I thought I did was...

...wait for it...

...shave my chest...and abs...and balls.

But as it turns out, the wife is diggin' it. Like really diggin it.

Like, I had to turn the hose on her, diggin' it. Apparently I'm in better shape than I thought.

So long story short: Bob=smart.

Was there any doubt?

Stupid? Maybe.

2009-08-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

I may have done something stupid.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I definitely did it, but it may or may not be as stupid as I think. Now that I look back.

Well, the wife will be home in a little bit and then I'll know for certain the exact level of my stupidity.

More later.

Zombieland

2009-08-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

If it's wrong to get a stiffy from a trailer about killin' zombies...I don't want to be right.

Rule 5 - Iranian Sideboob

2009-08-03T13:07:00.000-07:00

Iranian Sideboob?

Never thought you'd hear those words together in a sentence that wasn't, "I'm going to get my head chopped off by some Iranian Muslim assholes for having a picture of Tara Reid's fucked up sideboob." Did ya?

God bless Holy Taco

The Financial Crisis

2009-08-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

The Financial Crisis in a way that I can understand.

Remember, we're all in this together.

Modern Warfare 2

2009-08-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

If this doesn't give you a chub, you need to get your pecker checked.

Not Myself

2009-08-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

Man I feel like crap today.

I don't know if it's the hepatitis shot, the typhoid shot, the anthrax shot, the small pox shot or the malaria medication, but I feel like shit today. Fuckin' Taliban.

Luckily I didn't have anything important to do so I just lounged around all day and watched old episodes of Red vs Blue. Good times. Good times.

Quotes to Live by

2009-08-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth. - Becky

Mmmmm…Beer

2009-07-31T13:10:00.000-07:00

So what does a self described beer geek and belligerent alcoholic get as his last keg before going dry for 6 months in Afghanistan?

*drumroll*

Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA

This should be a fucking commercial or something?

Erin Andrews Hall of Fame

2009-07-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

What a professional.

I know what the old lady is getting for Christmas

2009-07-30T20:19:00.000-07:00

Apple

2009-07-30T16:55:00.000-07:00

I don’t really have anything against the Apple Corporation personally. I haven’t used an Apple computer since forth grade library, but I do have an iPod and an iPhone and they are both outstanding tools.

But…

…where in the fuck did they get the idea to call their tech support people “Geniuses”? Really? Genius?

So after going to the ATT store where I bought the phone and being told I have to make an appointment for the next day at the Apple store which is 45 minutes away, then I hit traffic and it took me over an hour to get there so I missed my 1:10 appointment by ten minutes causing the tech support punk to say “Well, I hope the next people are late cause you’re cutting into their time.”

I said, “Listen genius…”

And what was their genius level fix? Completely reset the phone so I get to spend three hours this afternoon reloading apps, pics and music back on my phone.

Thanks Genius

Best Pants Shitting Story...Ever

2009-07-30T16:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks Tasty Booze

Bob got a Fancy New Computer

2009-07-30T07:32:00.000-07:00

Eleven More Days…

2009-07-27T15:56:00.000-07:00

…’til Slayer comes to town. Somebody’s gettin’ fucked up.

Let’s Focus on the Big Picture People…

2009-07-27T15:38:00.000-07:00

…or rather the exact opposite. Remember what’s important.

Happiness
Sanity
Family
Health
Love
Music
…and Beer.

“How quickly I forget that this is meaningless.”

Hmmmm…Interesting

2009-07-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

I think Ol’ Doug Donaldson over at American Power is trying to pick a fight with me.

This is the second time he’s linked me in an effort to make himself look better, by making me out to be some kind of a scumbag.

Guess what Doug? My regular readers already know I’m a scumbag. That’s why they come back.

Rule 5

2009-07-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

This week’s rule 5 is dedicated to the biggest tits in Hollywood:

Thanks Man-o-fest.

…hmmm…no I really don’t think there’s anything to add. The tits pretty much say it all.

Combat Training Tip #47

2009-07-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

You’ve got your body armor on and snugged down nice and tight…

You’ve got your helmet seated just right on your noggin…

You’ve got a thick layer of bug spray sportin’…

You’ve got plenty of water, as well as extra ammo…

You’re pretty much all set.

Just remember, when you break ranks and dive for cover on that dirt and gravel berm…

…you’ll wish you’d taken your keys out of your pocket.

Busy, Busy, Headlines

2009-07-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

- Like I said, I just got back from vacation. I’m ready for another one. I kinda need one that will last for the next 47.2 years…or so.

- I have 650 hours worth of shit to do and only 624 hours in which to get it done.

- I tried the best beer in the world the other day. Stone Thirteenth Anniversary Ale. I had three glasses and jizzed twice.

- You know when you’re reassembling your M16 and you pinch your finger between the bolt and the bolt carrier and then the cut fills with CLP because that shit just gets everywhere? I hate that.

- Apparently a fake post I did a while back about spying on my neighbor is being mentioned in the same breath as some bitch I don’t know being taped dropping a deuce or some such. I don’t really care, but I am getting some wicked high traffic from some pissed off conservatives.

- You know when you pour a beer too fast and the head threatens to overrun the rim of the glass so you have to suck the foam off the top real fast. Do you spit that mouthful out or just suck it up and swallow?

- My elbows hurt.

- I’m currently reading Moby Dick for the first time. Is it just me or is that Ahab kind of a prick?

- I’m pretty busy for the next few weeks then I’m headed to Afghanistan for awhile so posting might be on the light side, if you know what I mean.

- Peace…but not really.

The Bobman returneth

2009-07-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon! faithful followers from the far-off and wild internet-i-scapes and world-wide-webias. Hark! and bringeth forth glad tidings of joy and many beers. I have returned!

I just got back from vacation and boy are my arms tired (snare, snare, cymbal). No, seriously they’re killing me; I think I pulled something.

The family unit and I hiked all over the back woods of New York (the good part of the state, not the part with fucking New Yorkers). Then we lounged the night away by the fire, pounding brewskis and stuffing our greedy pie-holes with all the s’mores we could s’more.

I’d write more, but we’re heading out to Don Pablo’s for tacos y burritos.

I’ll fulfill all your wishes with my taco flavored kisses. Taco, Taco. Burrito, Burrito.

Peace

Steve McNair

2009-07-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

I really don’t care about this other than to comment on:

…the ugliness of the entire situation may very well overshadow the greatness he achieved on the field.

Really?…”may very well overshadow…”?

When your stripper mistress shoots you in your head…twice, you are no longer a MVP or a Pro Bowler, you’re a fucking punch line. Like if you compare someone to OJ, it’s probably not because of his running back skills. It’s more likely for his knife handling skills.

pic via Busted Coverage

Asspeartastic Rule 5

2009-07-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

I don’t know who this lovely young woman is and frankly I don’t care, but I do appreciate the balance and aesthetics (assthetics) of the photograph.

Just sit back and fully realize the way the under-ass is in perfect equilibrium with the side-boob. This is true artistry on film. *single tear

Biggest Fan

2009-07-02T08:51:00.001-07:00

Apparently Pittsburg, CA also has a team called the Steelers.

Happy Fuck You, England Weekend

2009-07-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

I know The Fourth is still a few days off, but today is the start of my weekend and I’s gots chillin’ to do later.

I find Independence Day to be one of the few holidays that I can really appreciate. It’s impressive when any group of people tells their leaders that their services are no longer needed. And yea, you can give me that line about the Founding Fathers being a bunch of white slave owners, who didn’t want to pay their taxes, but they pulled it off…didn’t they? I mean…hey, I don’t currently own any slaves, but I’m white and I sure as fuck don’t want to pay my taxes. If I know my history, all I need is a well written Virginian with jungle fever, a nerdy guy who drinks beer and comes up with good quotes and a tall guy with wooden teeth. Next thing you know, we’ll be crammin’ our pie-holes with ambrosia fruit salad on Bobsylvania Day. Hmmmm…ambrosia.

On a lighter, more realistic note…

We are headed to AC this weekend for the Clutch concert at the House of Blues. Then a BBQ at a friend’s on Saturday. Should be nice. We got a room and are just planning on lounging at the beach all day Friday til the concert, then stagger back to the crib after the show.

By the way, sorry for not updating regularly any more. I’ve had what you might call a “change of outlook on life” and it’s taking me in a new direction. I basically took all the nicest, happiest parts from about five different religions and tossed out all the gods, myths, fairy tales, guilt and that “do unto others” crap. What you end up with is pretty fucking sweet. I’ll let you know how it goes, but I gotta say…I’ve never been this at peace in my life.

Happy BBQ

2009-06-27T19:02:00.001-07:00

The Tao of Bob

2009-06-25T17:51:00.002-07:00

I have discovered over the past few days that I have no desire to write. I’ve thought about it and I suppose I usually write something to you when I’m either upset/bothered/angry/peeved/ about something or if I’m trying to extract some measure of reaction from you through humor.

Lately though…I don’t care. I really and truly don’t care.

I wrote a whole big long thing about the whys and wherefors, but then I decided that I don’t need to explain myself to you.

You should just be happy that I’m finally happy…

…and if you’re not, I don’t care.

Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson walk into a bar…

2009-06-25T17:51:00.001-07:00

…and the bartender didn’t say anything because he had died from a punch line overdose.

The View from my "Office"

2009-06-23T17:50:00.001-07:00

Merry Baby Daddy Day

2009-06-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

Hello Faithful Few.

Well I made it back last night about 1 AM. Just to give you a little (very little) insight into my week, I twisted my back to the point that I can barely bend at the waist, my left forearm is completely bruised up and I lost ten pounds in five days. Goddamn but I love combat training!

I’m going to spend the rest of the day with the family doing absolutely nothing.

Peace. (Not really...job security and all)

No Rule 5 this week

2009-06-13T16:40:00.001-07:00

I had a fuckin' sweet Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins rule 5
post all lined up with multiple supple, tan, daddy-issue-having, semi-
nude Pens fans, but verizon is determined to make me it's bitch by
fucking up my Internet connection and therefore reducing me to writing
this incredible long and ultimately pointless sentence from my iPhone.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2009-06-10T08:50:00.000-07:00

Posting may be sporadic, if not nonexistent, for the next week and a half or so on account of I got some work shit brewing. You know how the GWOT is making us all millionaires?

Now that I think about it, it’s not GWOT anymore is it? It’s OCO.

Hmmmm...I’m not too sure about that one. Sounds too much like EIEIO.

So in the words of the one of the greatest public speakers of our time...

"No sir. I don’t like it."

Just remember, if we ever actually attained world peace, my only job would be taking rice to families with 15 children that are too weak to move out of the fucking desert, but apparently not so hungry that they can’t keep shitting out kids.

Internets Go Bye-Bye

2009-06-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

I'm having wicked connectivity issues due to Verizon's plan to motivate me to switch to Fios. I guess they figure if they just keep fucking up the DSL, I'll eventually upgrade. Obviously they failed to recognize my superhuman ability to put up with shit.

Learn Something New Everyday

2009-06-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

You know, I have a daughter and I thought the only thing I had to teach her was the whole “front to back” deal, but apparently it’s a little more involved than that.

You ladies might want to grab a pen and paper before you hit play.

The Black Dahlia Murder

2009-06-05T07:06:00.000-07:00

Since TBDM is touring with Slayer this summer on the Mayhem Fest, I figure I’ll send them some love.

The band just released a new DVD, Majesty, which is pretty fucking sweet. Two discs, the first one is all documentary and the second has concert footage and videos. I learned a lot about them from the documentary. Like, no matter how much weed some people smoke, they can still play guitar better than me.

Here’s the video for A Vulgar Picture. For you squares that won’t bother to learn the words, let me just tell you, it’s a really sweet “love” song. Like when I guy still loves his dead wife so much he digs up her body and…you know…( finger poking through hole motion)…chicka-bow-wow. (hip thrusting motion) Do I need to paint you a fucking* picture?

*pun intended

Elif air ab tizak!

2009-06-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

This is the most useful post I’ve read all day!

Rule 5

2009-06-04T07:48:00.000-07:00

This week’s Rule 5 hotness is none other than Mythbuster Kari Byron.

As you may or may not know, Ms. Byron has a huge fan following of the nerdicus persuasion. In fact, she currently ranks #3 behind (the all time leader) Metal Bikini Princess Leia and the creepy H. R. Giger Alien Chick for most often utilized nerd spankin’ material.

Now that I think about it, I wonder what the over/under would be on the IQ point differential between your average Kari Byron ‘bater and say, your average Britney Spears ‘bater.

It’s got to be 30 points easy.

Gym

2009-06-03T18:26:00.001-07:00

I just joined a gym
Now my ballsack hurts again
Ahh. The good old days

Headlines

2009-06-01T06:34:00.000-07:00

Going back to work after taking vacation time murders part of your soul. I’m beginning to see the benefits of becoming a drifter/hobo. I really don’t think I could wear three coats at the same time though.

I went through the Big Box o’Pictures the other day and took out all the floppy picture disks, saved them to the hard drive and then backed them up on a single cd. 1205 pictures and it only took up 74 MB. I hate technology. In 25 years I’ll be able to take all the accumulated knowledge of the greatest minds in history, put it on a chip, inside a pill and shove it up a monkey’s ass just for the fuck of it.

Don’t mind me; I’m grouchy from tearing apart picture disks so I can safely throw them away. God knows I don’t want my wiener on the internet or even worse, a picture of me in parachute pants.

I’m currently reading 1776 by David McCullough. I’m always incredibly impressed whenever I read about important historical events and the people that pulled off those events. But then by comparison, I’m always incredibly disappointed in the “important” figures of my own time. Pussies.

The yard sale went well, but I didn’t get rid of as much stuff as I would have liked. Almost anything that didn’t sell got put on the curb for Monday morning trash. I gave Pink the 5 lb sledge and told her to go to work on everything in the “curb” pile. Hey, I’m not giving the shit away to the Sunday night trash pickers. I gotta say, I was pretty impressed. That girl can swing a fucking mallet. I’ll have to remember that if I ever need someone’s knees worked on.

I’m thinking about kicking out some more sci-fi short stories. I’ve got a few rattling around in my melon, but I’m not too sure. It didn’t go very well last time. Imagine my fucked up sense of humor and lack of grammatical skills with the addition of zombies and naked chicks with tentacles…or zombie naked chicks…or just straight up naked chicks. Maybe I should just write porn.

Random randomness

2009-05-30T11:29:00.001-07:00

So there I be. Drunk ok drinkedness trying to type ad fast ad possible
on the old iPhone just to see what find of shit comes out the othe end.

I'm manning the yard same alone and I'm not to ducking happy about it.
I did sell a ton of shit but not rraly enoughvto put a deny in the
barge.

God I love text.

Peace fuckrts.

Buy my shit

2009-05-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

I thought I told you fuckers to buy some of my shit. There is no
fucking way I'm putting this shit back in my garage. I swear to baby
Jesus I'm going to burn the whole lot in the back yard tonight.

Beer Quiz

2009-05-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

My buddy Fauve challenged me to a Beer quiz and I’m sorry to say, I failed miserably, but I do have the excuse that I’m pretty fucked up at the moment. Hey, don’t judge me, So you think you can Dance is on and you can’t tell me that anyone watches that shit sober.

Boobs and Pussy

2009-05-28T16:29:00.001-07:00

The title says it all; this week’s Rule 5 post is nothing but Boobs and Pussy:

via Manofest via Sublime Directory

Please buy my crap

2009-05-28T09:19:00.001-07:00

Did I tell you guys we’re having a yard sale this weekend?

Yea. I’ve been getting ready for it for about a month now and one thing has become painfully clear to me over that month.

I’ve got a shitload of crap.

During my cleaning, sorting and general piling up of crap to sell I’ve divided everything into four groups:

1. Crap we use. This crap is not being sold.

2. Crap we haven’t used in the last year. A lot of this crap is being sold, but there are also a lot of keepsakes in this group.

3. Crap we haven’t used since we moved here five years ago. This is the biggest group of crap and all of it is getting sold.

4. Crap we never even bothered to unpack when we moved here five years ago. I shit you not; this crap was still in the moving boxes.

I really, really need to get rid of some of this because I’m running out of room to put new crap and I can’t buy a bigger house with the way the market is. So if you happen to know where I live, please come buy some of my crap.

Metal Affirmations

2009-05-28T08:45:00.000-07:00

I hate everyone equally

You can't tear that out of me

No segregation -separation

Just me in my world of enemies
- Disciple

Only 71 days ‘til Slayer and I have an issue with which you may be able to help.

When do I pick up the sacrificial lamb?

Too early and you end up having to feed the damn thing right up until the concert. Too late and you run the risk of them running out of lambs and you end up getting stuck with a goat.

Trust me; you don’t want to show up to a lamb slaughter with a fucking goat. That’s like going to a wine tasting with a bottle of Boones Farm Strawberry Hill. I’ve got some couth.

Suggestions would be appreciated.

Metal Affirmations

2009-05-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

Everything around me decays
Rapes my eyes
Screams never silence the pain
Make you my canvas of pure, fresh, flesh
-Scarstruck

72 days ‘til Slayer. I think I’m getting a little wood.

This is what gays want in on?

2009-05-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

Homosexuals should be glad they can’t get married because it only leads to shit like this:

"Pimp daddy Marvin Frazer here was recently arrested on bigamy charges for being married to two women. His first wife bailed on him back in 2003 and after hearing from her parents that they were divorced he got remarried in 2007."

Then this poor dumb bastard has to pay for the actual divorce after spending four days in jail.

Homos, you don’t know how good you have it.

Finally…

2009-05-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

…a beer company that understands me.

Attention other marketing people. Look, I don’t need Swedish bikini models, iconic sports figures, racecars or partying canines. And I sure as fuck don’t need a beer that only has 64 calories, but this here is a marketing plan that works.

I can’t tell you nice it is to finally find a beer that validates my desire to start drinking as early in the day as possible. God bless you, Cricket Hill Brewing Co…God bless. (single tear)

Prop 8 = Don’t Care

2009-05-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

Apparently gay people can’t get married in California.

If someone put a shotgun to my head and threatened to spackle the wall with my brains if I didn’t care less about this issue, the only thing I would wonder about is what grit of sandpaper my wife would need to use on my medulla oblongata to get the paint to lay flat.

I would like to point out that if the chucklehead in the sunglasses really cared about gay rights he’d be holding his sign right side up, but we all know he’s just there to bang his gay friend’s straight girlfriend. Gay rallies are a great place to meet chicks. You look like you’re sensitive and care about the issues and there’s very little competition.

Weekend with the Folks

2009-05-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

I’m always wrong.

If I was afraid I might get Alzheimer’s some day and need one of my kids to put me in a nice care facility, I’d kiss their ass a little more.

Every decision I’ve ever made was wrong.

Any success I’ve ever had in life was either a result of their intervention or pure luck.

I would rather be deployed than visit my parents. You can shoot the enemy.

It is really, really hard to find alcohol on Sunday in Western Pennsylvania.

I don’t care how old and sick they get, there is no fucking way either of them is moving in with me.

Yes, I know I have a great kid. Because I am raising her the exact opposite to the way I was raised.

My parents will take any opportunity to complain about how hard it was to raise four kids.

My mom regrets the fact that I wasn’t born retarded because she got German measles when she was pregnant with me. She’d get more attention that way and the women at church would all talk about what a great mother she is for taking care of her retarded son.

I don’t owe them shit.

Rule 5

2009-05-22T07:24:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok, ok…I learned my lesson from last week. No more creepy pictures of people you don’t know. So this week I’m going with a sweetheart that everyone knows and loves…

Stacey Scowley

What? Don’t tell me you don’t remember this Kia commercial with the cute-pouty-lipped-blonde hotness. That’s Stacey and I’m a card carrying member of her fan club.

Post just for coolchick

2009-05-22T07:23:00.001-07:00

GO PENS!!!!

Two Girls and a Cup of Controversy

2009-05-22T06:11:00.000-07:00

Smitty over at The Other McCain sent me this link from Cassy Fiano about some new Quizno’s commercial that has feminists up in arms. (ad below)

Feminists that are pissed off? There’s a fucking surprise.

…thought it was meant to be a joke. Which, yes, it is. But that doesn’t mean it’s a good one.

My response to him: I’m sort of sick of people thinking they’re making a joke while using all of the same antiquated conventions of the thing they’re making fun of, i.e. objectifying women, promoting perfectionist body standards, fetishistizing blondes and Asians, making a mockery of actual female sexuality etc. etc. etc.

It’s not funny. It’s like white people making fun of racism by peddling in racist stereotypes.

Blah, blah, blah, crap, crap, blah, blah

Look woman, they are not trying to be funny. They are trying to sell fucking sandwiches to men who are watching the Playboy channel.

My biggest issues with this commercial are that first of all they are playing off a pop culture reference that is old and already played out. They might as well have the blonde ask “Where’s the beef?” between felatious bites.

Second, they put way too much effort into this commercial considering their target audience is men that are actually paying for the Playboy channel and thus too stupid to realize there’s this little thing call the “internet” where you can get all the porn you can handle and then some for free.

If I’d had written this commercial, there would have been just one woman (with bigger tits) who spoke directly into the camera and said, “I really like guys who eat Quizno’s sandwiches.” Then she would have licked her lips, winked and walked right the fuck off.

Bike trek-the end

2009-05-21T13:22:00.001-07:00

Well I made it back alive. The return trip sucked ass. I had a nice
buzz going for the first half hour but then I ran out of water and got
dehydrated. So now my feet/knees hurt and I've got a wicked headache.

Bike trek-new hope

2009-05-21T09:50:00.001-07:00

I'm having lunch at the Triumph brewpub because...well...I'm an
alcoholic...I thought we established that already.

Bike trek-new hope

2009-05-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

Well I made it to new hope and boy are my arms tired. Wait...wrong joke.

Riding trek-Washington's Crossing

2009-05-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

Made it out of Trenton. The trail gets better the farther away you
get. Surprisingly less crackheads on the trail also.

Riding trek-On the train

2009-05-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

I didn't say I was riding the whole way. Whatr'u nuts?

Bicycle Trek

2009-05-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

I'm riding up to New Hope today because i'm on leave and I cut the
glass yesterday. This will be the farthest I'm ridden from the house
so well see how it goes. All blogging will be from the iPhone so
spelling might be an issue.

I have to ride through Trenton so if you never hear from me again I
probably got mugged for my cool new bike.

It's Funny/Scary because it's True

2009-05-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

via Tasty Booze

The New F***ing Citibank - watch more funny videos

It’s like comparing Apples and Santa Claus

2009-05-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

I’m sure I’ll get stomped on for this, but there are few things in this world that annoy me more than the whole “Darwinism” versus Creationism debate. It cannot be discussed rationally.

First of all, use of the word “Darwinism” is a ploy by the creationists because frankly, Darwin got a lot of shit wrong. You know why? Because On the Origin of Species was written in 18fucking59! How about the 150 years of science since?

Secondly, creationists will always and forever have the Almighty trump card…faith. I have never, ever, ever heard of a discussion with a creationist where they didn’t eventually whip out that faith card. There’s no comeback for it; it is unbeatable.

I will now entertain any and all comments.

Wait…let me get prepared.

* inserts fingers in ears *

La la la la la la la la la la la...faith...la la la la la la la la la…

Headlines

2009-05-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

- I have lost 35 lbs since the beginning of the year. I still need to lose 26 more to get my BMI where it’s supposed to be, but I’ve kind of hit a wall here at the 215 mark. I figure I’ve got two choices. I can quit drinking or I can cut one of my legs off at the knee. I’m leaning toward the leg idea because the benefits are really two fold: 1) I’ll quickly lose about 20 lbs and 2) my daily run will be all the more difficult thus increasing my heart rate and overall workout.

- I have to go into work 2 hours early today (and no, I won’t get off 2 hours early) for the annual Sexual Assault Prevention and Response training. They segregate the classes by sex, so men and women aren’t in the same ones. I don’t how the women’s class goes, but last year they just bitched for 2 hours and yelled at us to stop raping people. Apparently, the training is working because I didn’t rape anyone last year.

- Smitty, I’m not really going to cut off my leg.

- If you clicked over to the sexual assault website did you notice anything funny about the picture? The two women are white and the two men are black. You know, if I was a minority I’d probably be offended. But I’m not, so I’m not.

- I’m currently reading Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson. I don’t have anything funny to say about it. I just wanted you to know that I’m not all swear words and asshole jokes.

- The Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Carolina Hurricanes last night 3-2 to take a one game lead in the Eastern finals. Did anyone (besides coolchick) not see this coming? Let me just go on record as saying that if your hockey team is based in a state where water does not freeze naturally at any time during the year, your team sucks.

That is all. Please continue your day.